How to know if your ex is using you

By David Coates

For the past twenty-nine years I’ve helped about one hundred and seventy women get their ex’s back… and one thing I’ve noticed is this…

Talking to an ex-boyfriend can be like walking on a minefield… one wrong move and BOOM… all messed up.

Given that you want him back… your emotions are in a weakened state… and you will be willing to do things you won’t usually do to get him back… so… you need to know the answers to the following questions…

“Does your ex-boyfriend actually mean what he says?”

“Does he genuinely care about you as a person?”

“Is he only interested in having sex with you?”

“Am I really ‘the one’ he wants to be with?”

Some men are very good at telling a woman what she wants to hear… just so he can get what he wants… and right now… given your current emotional state you are at risk of been used.

The reason why I spent fifteen weeks creating this website… is to help women just like you get your ex-boyfriend back into your arms… and your life.

But first… you have to make sure he isn’t using you. If you get him back thanks to my website… great. But… if you split up again soon after because he was only using you for sex… not so great.

I wrote this article because I see how painful it is for a woman who loves a man… to end up being used by him.

When I was younger… I was guilty of ‘using women’… I got very good at using my stutter to cause her to feel sympathy towards me… and I twisted that to get sex. I loved it back then… but now… I realise it was a bad thing to do.

So my hidden reason for this article… is to atone for my sins.

In this article… I’m going to tell you the ways an ex-boyfriend can use you… and what to do if he is trying to use you…. and more importantly… how to turn the tables on him and use what he’s trying to do to help you get him back into your life for GENUINE reasons and permanently.

Don’t Waste Your Time

We get one shot at life… and here it is. Over the years… I’ve seen so many women spend lots of precious time pursuing a man… only to find out at the end of the pursuit… that he wasn’t worth it.

Right now you miss him, you feel like you are incomplete without him… maybe even you NEED him…

This means you are only focused on the present… not the future. I’ve seen so many women get an ex back just to get rid of the pain… only to break up a few months later… after having wasted all that time with him.

So… before you get him back… you must make sure you aren’t wasting your time. Every second of time you spend… you can never get back. So… spend your time wisely.

Make Sure His Words and Actions Match

The primary way you can tell if he is trying to use you… is by comparing his words and his actions.

Like so many of the topics I talk about on this website… figuring out if he is trying to use you is a complicated subject. However… over the years… I’ve worked out simple ways you can tell.

The first is… do his words and actions match?

Here’s an example to explain this principle.

Imagine that you and your ex break up… and you are still on pretty good terms after the break up.

You meet up for a cup of coffee a couple of times… and end up sleeping together.

You are going to feel pretty good about this… like you are on the path to getting back together again.

If after a couple of weeks… you are both sleeping together… and you ask him what the deal is… like ‘are we a couple again’… and he gives you some BS answer like…

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet”


“I do love you… but I don’t think it’s the right time for that just yet…”

His words are NOT matching his actions.

He could be telling the truth, but the odds are he’s lying.

Make Him Commit

Here’s a neat little trick for you… to find out if he is using you… or not.

Have you ever heard a parent say to the kid..

“If you are good I’ll take you to the park this afternoon”

And the kid says…

“Do you promise?”

The kid wants a COMMITMENT from it’s mother… before he will comply.

This is what you want from your ex… you want him to commit to some future event with you… but at a higher level.

So… if you are meeting for coffee, getting him to commit to another meeting at a café for coffee isn’t good.

But… getting him to commit to a romantic meal in a restaurant… is.

If he is genuine… he will commit. Otherwise… he won’t.

Right now… you have strong feelings for him… and you WANT to believe what he tells you… so it’s pretty easy for him to fool you. This test will reveal the truth.

If he wants you in his life for genuine reasons… he will be happy to commit to a future event. If he is just using you… he will try and wriggle and squirm out of it with feeble answers like…

“I’d love to… but I’m not sure what I’m doing that day…”


“I’m pretty busy next week, I’ll let you know If I can or not…”

The Two Ways He Can Use You

I’ve identified sixty-three different ways an ex-boyfriend can use you… however… these fall into two categories.

Emotional use – This is where your ex will use you to raise his own emotional state… and he has no intention of getting back together with you. Things like using you to raise his own level of self-confidence… using you to let other women know how ‘desired’ he is (social-proof). If a woman knows a man is being pursued by other women… his status is raised in her eyes… thus making him more desirable.

Physical use – This is where he uses you for sex and other physical activities.

Being Used Emotionally

No matter how confident a man appears to be… there will be times where his confidence fails… and he feels weak.

If you ever meet a man who comes across as ‘cocky’… usually this cocky attitude is just to mask over his lack of confidence. If he falls into an unfamiliar situation… and his cocky attitude fails… he real attitude will be revealed.

However… one of the many beautiful qualities a woman has… is… you can raise a man’s confidence to dizzying heights… just by being ‘with’ him.

I remember the first ‘beautiful’ girlfriend I ever had, she made me feel so proud walking into a bar with her on my arm. My self-confidence was so high… I got a lot of attention from other women.

When we broke up… my self-confidence plummeted like a rock falling through the sky… and other women paid me very little attention during those rough few weeks.

From a man’s point of view… having a woman ‘want you’ … really raises your self-esteem. So… this is one of the way you ex can use you.

If you ‘want’ him back in your life… him knowing this will raise his self-esteem… making him feel really good inside. To keep this good feeling he will string you along…

He will spend just enough time with you to make you believe he wants to be with you. He will make just enough effort to stop you from thinking…

“It’s always me who has to ring him… It’s always me who has to suggest somewhere to go… I’m doing all the work here.”

He will also use phrases like…

“I can’t be with you right now because…”

The two words ‘right now’ are there to give you hope. Hope he will be able to be with you at some point in the future.

The Balance of Power

For any relationship to work… the balance of power must be more or less equal. If you want him more than he wants you… he has more power than you… and that’s not good for you.

To get him back into your life… the balance of power must be in your favour.

Here are the links of two articles I have written specifically for women who need to tip the scales…

The irresistible woman

How to make HIM chase YOU

If Your Ex is Using You Emotionally

If you find out your ex is using you… immediately implement the no contact rule.

No contact rule explained

If you discover that your ex is using you for emotional reasons… and you are already actively trying to get him back… the no contact period should be one week… not four weeks.

This is because he has gotten used to regular contact with you… and he ‘needs’ this contact with you… for his emotional reasons.

If you sever contact for seven days… he will begin to miss you… and realise how empty his life is without you…

This gives YOU power over him… power to get him back into your life for the right reasons… and permanently.

After seven days… when he is beginning to miss you… then talk to him again.

The One Rule to Remember When You Talk to Him

‘Never communicate that you want him more than he wants you’

For example… lets assume you and him go out one night. In the morning he sends you a text which says…

“Last night was great!”

Your most likely response will be…

“Yes I had a great time too”

In this example… he sent you the message because he is fishing for a compliment to boost his ego… and your reply did just that.

By sending that reply… you’ve given him what he wanted… and lost your power in the process.

If your reply is…

“Except the bad wine!”

You are not giving him what he wants.

If he is using you to boost his confidence and ego… and you don’t comply… you gain an advantage over him… an advantage you can use to get him back into your life for a genuine reason. He ‘needs’ something from you… and you can control if he gets it or not.

If he gives you a 10/10 compliment… you return with an 8/10 compliment.

If you’re thinking you may lose him by doing this… you could. But you will struggle to get him back… if you give him all the power.

You will struggle even more… if you want him more than he wants you.

If Your Ex Is Using You Physically

Being used physically is known as ‘friends with benefits’.

This is where two people have the ‘benefits’ of a relationship… sex… kissing etc… but you both remain only ‘friends’… ie… no relationship.

If you are been used physically… what I am about to say may upset you. I have seen A LOT of ‘friends with benefits’ scenarios over the past twenty-nine years… and I’ve been in one of those non-relationships myself… and what I am about to tell you is the absolute truth…

Friends With Benefits Always Fails… ALWAYS...

… because… a relationship between both people will ALWAYS form. You can’t hold someone’s hand… kiss them and have sex with them without ‘feeling’ something for them. This other person who makes you feel good in a physical way becomes a special person in your life… and you don’t want to share that person with anyone else… at least not in that special way. You want to keep that for yourself.

That is why it will always fail. It may be ok in the short term… but in the long term… it will fail.

Friends with benefits sounds like a good idea… because… women believe that sleeping with an ex will re-kindle the romance… and it will cause him to commit to you again.

Here’s what a man thinks to himself when he is in a friends with benefits situation…

“Great… free sex!”

Men tend to feel that we have to work… to get sex… have to do something to get her in the mood.

If you give a man sex without him having to do anything… he will automatically take you for granted… and he will typically stop trying… and you will feel ‘used’.

The Two Problems with ‘Friends With Benefits’…

Based on what I’ve observed over the past twenty-nine years… there are two main problems with friends with benefits.

First - They both tend to fall in love. How can you not love (to some degree) someone who gives you pleasure?

Second – They act like lovers… not friends.

People Tend to Fall in Love…

How can you not have emotional feelings towards the person you sleep with? You can’t. Friends with benefits ‘couples’ always fall in love… every time.

Now I know what you’re thinking…

“That’s great. If he falls in love with me… he’ll become my boyfriend again and we can live happily ever after”

Sadly… that never happens. Here why:

When a friends with benefits couple start sleeping together… a relationship is formed… based on the fact you are intimate with each other… AND you can be intimate with other people.

If you try to change that… and become a regular boyfriend-girlfriend couple… the dynamics of the relationship change… and he will reject this change. If the glue holding your relationship together is the fact he can sleep around… and you take away the glue… the relationship falls apart…

People Tend To Act Like Lovers…

Friends with benefits couples eventually act like lovers. They hold hands… cuddle up together… put kisses at the end of text messages… REAL friends do not do this. On rare occasion maybe… but not all the time.

All this accelerates the falling in love process.

Dealing with a Friends with Benefits Situation…

If you are in a friends with benefits situation… or are been used for sex… (same thing really) the odds are you want him more than he wants you. It’s also likely you want him to commit to you… and he is happy with the way things are.

To change the situation to your advantage… you must STOP sleeping with him. Don’t give him any warning, just refuse… and tell him why.

Make it clear you want some sort of commitment from him... before you will give him what he wants. Then… slowly… gradually… change the relationship from friends with benefits… to boyfriend-girlfriend.

You have something he wants… use it to get what you want… a long term relationship with the man you love.

Here’s what to do now

First… download a copy of my Case Study… where you will discover how my ex-girlfriend Sarah got me back after six months apart.

You will also discover how to get the very important first date with your ex-boyfriend… where he wants to meet up with you. Even if you have already met up with him since your break-up… he most likely wasn’t ready to crawl through broken glass to see you.

This case study shows you how to make him WANT to see you again.


Next… after your successful first date… you must escalate from meeting for a simple cup of coffee and a chat… to dating him again. You do this by…

Changing how he feels about you…

I’ve got a simple four step system for you to copy… which is based on how my ex Sarah got me back into her life.


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